I am 29 years and two days old. Thirty looms in the very close future. Like a known contingency, like a casualty of time.
I spent my whole life pleasing other people, and in the process I have lost myself. During the last three years I tried to help other people thinking it is by proxy somehow going to help me in return. It doesn't. Charity is a very expedient and ungrateful master. It is no coincidence that there is a maxim that states that charity starts at home. I have fooled myself thinking it relates to domestic issues. It doesn't.
"I know a cat named Easter. He says will you ever learn. You're just an empty cage girl. If you kill the bird" -- Crucify by Tori Amos
I never fully knew what that meant, I never fully knew what it implied and what the consequences were until an apotheosis-like state of mind this morning. I understand what she meant. I get it now. After so many years of having the song on repeat in my car, at the office. And my heart is sick of being in chains too.
A person who I look up to; who I am drawn to for some really unknown reason, a kind of well-known person and writer; wrote on Facebook the other day that wanting to please other people is a very bad habit. She doesn't know who I am exactly, but I know her. I saw her spiralling down into an emotional abyss and come out perfectly bold the other side. She's honest, and unashamedly so. While I was hiding what I felt and thought, she was quite frank about it. I thought it liberating to be in a position to have nothing to lose. Not a reputation, not clout or social capital, not a single thing.
We are so saturated with our daily petty lives and our jobs and the monstrous amount of pettiness that comes attached with that, that we have no time or consideration for reflection. We do not have the opportunity to stand back and look at a situation because we are so stuck in muddiness that we cannot reach a mirror even if we tried.
I thought what I wanted to do for that scary 30th birthday. I wanted to see Jason Mraz live somewhere, somewhere blissful and profound like my favourite song. I watched the music video for I'm Yours on YouTube so many times in the last couple of days. So much for data bundles... It is really an expression of contentment. The scenes are pretty, the music is pretty and the lyrics are undecidedly brightening. Liberatingly so. Jason is someone else's. I cannot claim who he is referring to or whether he is referring to a person at all. He might as well be referring to a newfound state of mind.
Here's the video, you can decide that for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkHTsc9PU2A
I had my head in clouds and in darkness earlier. Somehow it wasn't precipitation clouds. It was akin to a layer of mental fogginess, the way I normally feel in the mornings after getting not nearly enough sleep and often passing out with my phone in my hand. I am not on mxit I'll have you know, that is for kids. I'm a twitter junkie. But the bird is dead, the cage is empty and there's no more tweeting. My cat named Easter probably broke open the latch and ate the bird. Good for him.
But I won't hesitate no more, it cannot wait, I'm yours. And I come with a cat. He is very affectionate. I am still figuring things out but Easter always has good advice.